


Bad Habit

by omgahgase



Category: GOT7
Genre: 2Jae, Based on a Real Life Event, Childhood Friends, Cigarettes, Comfort, Fluff, Getting Together, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not beta read we die like Daichi, Smoking, help with addiction, slight jealousy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:54:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27524170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/omgahgase/pseuds/omgahgase
Summary: Jaebeom has an addiction that he needs to quit. He doesn't think he could until he realizes he's been making a mistake, so he needs to find another feeling that gives him the same satisfaction as a cigarettes does.Enter stage left: Choi Youngjae
Relationships: Choi Youngjae/Im Jaebum | JB
Comments: 6
Kudos: 63





	Bad Habit

**Author's Note:**

> this is based off a real life event about me and one of my closest friends. if you or a friend is a smoker and wants to quit but doesn't where to start, look for the support first then work from there. i believe in you <3
> 
> these descriptions on how it feels like to smoke is the best i can do since i've never done it before and excuse all the typos if there are any lmao. with that being said, pls enjoy this little drabble

_Click._

_Shlik!_

_Click._

Jaebeom brought the cigarette to his mouth and deeply inhaled. Hot air wafted down his throat; drew into his lungs and circulated. He held his breath and closed his eyes, felt the tightness of his lungs increase—the sense of useless air trying to get out. The nicotine rush is a small high, a light-headed, pleasant hazy feeling. It doesn't last long, but Jaebeom likes it.

Jaebeom took the cigarette out of his mouth and exhaled. He watched the thick, ash-grey smoke float into the air and dissipate through the wind. The smog cleared moments after he puffed out a mouthful of air and was replaced by a new one moments later. Then another. And another. 

Even after the smoke vanished, the stench of its acrid ghost clung to Jaebeom’s breath, his hands, his clothes. He took another drag, uncaring of the disgusted glare from his right. 

“You’re horrible, you know that?”

Jaebeom placed the cigarette between his pointer and middle finger, held it with his thumb to tap the ashes off the top. “How so?”

“Would you like me to list them? There’s a lot, starting off with that.” BamBam pointed to the object in Jaebeom’s hand. The elder only rolled his eyes because he knew what was next. 

“I can always quit,” he said. “Yeah, yeah. I know your spiel by now, Bam.”

BamBam snorted. “Then you also know that’s your second cigarette since we sat down?”

Jaebeom knew that too. The two friends ran into each other at the park, BamBam on his daily run and Jaebeom needing some fresh air to clear his head. They met by the water fountain and walked around until Jaebeom had a shortness of breath and needed to rest. They sat at a nearby bench and spoke for what felt like an hour, but when Jaebeom glanced at his wristwatch, they’ve only been there for 30 minutes. 

Yeah. That was about right. Jaebeom would normally pull out his second cigarette by now.

“You can’t even make it to the end of this trail without being winded, hyung. I’m just looking out for you.” 

“You and just about everybody else.” Jaebeom’s tone held no malice, just a bitter bark to BamBam’s truthful bite. “I’ve been doing this for over ten years, Bam-ah. You’re not the only one who's ‘looking out for me.’”

It started in middle school when Jaebeom stole his dad’s pack of cigarettes out of pure curiosity, ran to the alleyway behind his house, and almost hawked up a lung when he stuck his first smoke between his lips. After he survived his first coughing fit, he thought he could do it again correctly this time. He was wrong and had to endure watery eyes and what felt like a barbed-wire lodged in his throat. He got sick afterward, light-headed to a point where he could barely walk straight and a stomach ache that simulated a sucker-punch to the gut. 

It was an experience that gave Jaebeom a split-second headrush of unexplainable vertigo, like if he stood up too fast and all the blood raced to his brain. It was exhilarating. It was horrible. He couldn’t wait to try it again. 

In his eyes, his addiction isn’t as bad as his friends claim it is. He knows he can stop. He might be irritable down the line, but Jaebeom’s willpower is stronger than most. He knows he can stop. He just chooses not to.

He’s listened to countless lectures by Mark and was sent more than a hundred videos by Yugyeom as to why smoking is the worst thing on Earth. Jinyoung and Jackson dragged him to the gym, to keep his body moving so it doesn’t miss the feel of nicotine in his system. They even tried to hide his pack from him so he’d do a few more reps before he needed a break. 

All their efforts were futile yet they still tried. It was maddening, for all of them, to watch Jaebeom dwindle down his life just to feel a moment of ecstasy. Jaebeom knew they all hated it, even his own parents. That knowledge won’t stop him though. 

"Youngjae-hyung hates the smell,” BamBam blurts when the silence turns suffocating and the smoke grows heavy in the air.

Jaebeom rolls his eyes. "Yeah, I know. All of you do." He takes a drag, uncaring of BamBam's disapproving look. 

"He said he doesn't like being around you," the boy continues.

That caught Jaebeom off guard. He lowered his cigarette and turned to face his friend. "What does that mean?" 

"He doesn't _not_ like being around you. He just says it's easier." 

"What's easier?" Jaebeom asked, throat closing without the fumes going down his esophagus. 

BamBam bit his lip, fiddled with his hands then nervously said, "To push you away before you can leave him."

“What the hell? I wouldn’t leave him!” Jaebeom felt the blood course through his veins, felt his hands and feet tingle at the outrageous assumption. “That’s stupid. He’s my friend.”

At the word ‘friend’, a foul taste exploded in Jaebeom’s mouth. It was worse than any cigarette he’s ever tried. 

"Yeah, you won't leave on purpose, but that doesn't mean you won't leave because of that."

BamBam jutted his head to Jaebeom’s hand. 

Jaebeom blinked owlishly. "He thinks I'm going to die?" 

BamBam shrugged. "He already lost his grandfather to that death stick. He's afraid he might lose you too." 

Jaebeom’s heart dropped. He remembered the week of the passing, it was a sorrowful time of tears and mourning. Jaebeom saw Youngjae transform into a hollow shell of his former self. He barely ate. Couldn’t get out of bed on most mornings. Not even Coco could uplift his spirits at the time. Jaebeom witnessed firsthand how quiet Youngjae can really be and it terrified him to no end. 

That was the only time he’s ever refused a cigarette. He’d rather stay indoors and hold his friend while he wept than think about his own needs. 

"What else did he say?" Jaebeom asked solemnly. "Is he giving up on me?"

"You make that kinda easy,” BamBam mumbled. He glanced at Jaebeom and his wounded expression, then cleared his throat. “He doesn’t want to give up, hyung. He’s tried just as hard as all of us to make you quit. It’s really frustrating when you ignore every helping hand, y’know. That's why he's been hanging out with Younghyun-hyung a lot. He takes his mind off you." 

Jaebeom's face morphed into a deep scowl. “Younghyun? When did they get close?”

“Dunno. Probably when he started to notice Youngjae’s absence around you.” BamBam delivered that sentence nonchalantly like he just didn’t amplify Jaebeom’s dread. 

Youngjae finding someone else to seek comfort in made his stomach twist. Jaebeom’s always did that for the younger boy. He was there during the funeral. He held Youngjae’s hand before his first solo performance in their high school musical. He was a shoulder to cry on when Youngjae experienced his first heartbreak. 

Is this how things will be when he’s gone? Youngjae using Younghyun as a security blanket like how he used Jaebeom? 

( _Will Youngjae's feelings change for Younghyun like how mine changed for him?_ Is what Jaebeom really thinks. He didn’t like how the rancid taste of tobacco sat on his tongue increased at the mere thought.)

"Hyung told me not to tell you," BamBam confessed. 

"Why'd you do it?"

The Thai boy shrugged. "In hopes that you realize something.” He sighed then stood up and stretched. “I need to go. I hope you think about what I said.” BamBam gave Jaebeom a small grin in parting, then jogged down the path and out of sight.

Jaebeom sighed and leaned his head back to look at the sky. He's always loved the bright blue, how the clouds rolled past him in the wind with not a care in the world. When they were kids, he and Youngjae used to imagine that there was a castle in the sky, waiting for them to find it. They dreamt of flying and living in the mythical palace together until they were old and wrinkled. 

But now, with the idea of his future stuck in his brain, Jaebeom isn't sure if he'll make it to _be_ old and wrinkled. 

He brought his hand up to his lips on autopilot and wrapped his mouth around the end of the cigarette. The embers are almost out, giving him just enough fire to take the last drag if he wanted to. He didn’t. Jaebeom could make a choice right now: breathe in and continue his habit or stop and pick up a new one, one that's less life-threatening. 

He stared at the sky for a long time, unknowing what to do. Then, like a sign from the heavens, he heard a loud bark to his left and a familiar voice calling— 

"Jaebeom-hyung!"

The cigarette almost fell out of his mouth. 

Youngjae and Coco walked over to him, the former looking happier to see him than his dog ever did. Jaebeom stood and prepared for the hug that he knew was coming, then his heart clenched when Youngjae stopped in his tracks.

He hesitated to come closer. The younger boy’s eyes were fixated on the cigarette still in Jaebeom's mouth. Jaebeom’s hand twitched to rip it from his lips and stomp the godforsaken thing to the ground. He didn’t though. 

"Hey, hyung," Youngjae greeted. "How are you?" 

"Good," Jaebeom replied. "It's been a while." 

"Yeah, I know. My new job at the clinic has been taking up a lot of my time." Youngjae gave a weak chuckle. His attempt at masking his sudden nervousness didn't go unnoticed. "What are you doing out here all alone?" 

"I was with BamBam. We were—” Jaebeom tried to come up with something other than saying _having an intervention_ but he came up empty. He cleared his throat and continued. “We were just talking." 

Youngjae tilted his head in interest. "About what?" 

It was Jaebeom's turn to feel nervous. He chewed on the filter in his mouth before saying, "About Cupcake. BamBam said he was thinking about switching his shampoo and asked me what I use for Odd." 

Youngjae nodded, his mouth formed a small ‘O’. Jaebeom knew he didn't buy his half-assed lie, but it was better than revealing their actual conversion. He doesn’t think Youngjae would appreciate it if Jaebeom told him he knew the things he told BamBam in confidence was now out on the table. 

“Well, I hope you two had a nice chat about your cats in the middle of the park,” Youngjae chuckled. “I better get going too. I'm going to the mall to buy Coco new clothes." 

At the mention of her name, the Maltese yipped happily. She pranced towards Jaebeom and gave his slippered foot an affectionate pat of her paw. Jaebeom smiled at her and crouched to scratch behind her ears. 

"I'm sure she's excited to go shopping." 

Youngjae’s smile widened. "I am too! Younghyun-hyung's meeting me there. We're gonna have lunch at that new cafe that opened in the food court." 

The barbed wire in Jaebeom’s throat moved to his guts. Youngjae said Younghyun's name with such fondness, so much _affection_ that Jaebeom had to keep his frown in check or else the younger would notice his more than obvious dislike towards the situation. He stood up abruptly, making Coco bark at him for cutting her scratch session a bit short. 

"Like a date?" Jaebeom asked. He couldn't dismiss his sourness in his tone. It seemed like Youngjae picked up on his attitude change as well because he shuffled awkwardly. 

"No, not a date. We’re just hanging out,” he explains, eyes downcasted.

Jaebeom hums. He wants to ask if it’s true that Youngjae’s been using Younghyun as a sort of friend rebound. To get his mind off of Jaebeom because the idea BamBam planted in his head of Youngjae giving up on and seeking a safe haven in Younghyun rather than himself is so mind-boggling that it just feels _wrong._ Youngjae is allowed to have other friends, yet he can’t find another Jaebeom, and that’s what hurts the most. 

So, instead of asking the question that teeters on his tongue, Jaebeom blurts out a strained, “I miss you.” 

Youngjae flinches at his words (not the reaction he was hoping for). The boy kicks at a rock near his foot, eyes still glued to the ground. “I-I know. I haven’t been around much because of my job and no one’s home to watch Coco so I’m stuck there most of the time and—”

“Youngjae,” Jaebeom calls to stop him from rambling. He finally removed the chew up the end of the cigarette from his mouth and crumpled it. The burnt side has gone cold, the embers dying out every passing second Jaebeom didn’t take a puff. He steps closer to his friend, mindful of the stench from his clothes, and ignores how Youngjae recoils from his presence. “I know why you’ve been avoiding me.”

“You do?” He asked, eyes stuck with panic. 

“Yes, and I understand why. I’m sorry for making you think I’d leave you. Y-you shouldn’t even think like that.” Jaebeom’s voice slightly wavers, his emotions getting the better of him. He wants to reach out and cup Youngjae's face, press their foreheads together and breathe the air around him in hopes that the lingering scent of tobacco leaves him and is replaced with Youngjae’s cologne. Jaebeom’s always liked the way he smelled. 

“It’s nothing to apologize for,” Youngjae says, voice small. “I was the one being a coward.”

“It’s okay,” Jaebeom reassures.

Youngjae’s head shot up. “It is? Why?”

“Because that just means we can make up for the lost time.” 

The boy in front of him glows pink. A sweet, ruby hue crawls up his cheeks all the up towards his ears. Jaebeom wants to laugh, call him cute like how he did when they were kids and someone would compliment him. 

“Yeah, I’d like that.” A smile slowly creeps across Youngjae’s face until the peaks of his cheeks resemble cherry tomatoes. A sharp pang shot through Jaebeom’s chest then exploded into a flurry of warmth, coursing through his body when the boy directs that million-watt smile towards him

Jaebeom feels his own grin mirror Youngjae’s. “How about tonight at my place? I could make your favorites and we can watch a movie?”

“Like a date?” Youngjae jokes. He’s teasing him, throwing Jaebeom’s earlier assumption back in his face. He’s probably expecting Jaebeom to correct him, too bad he assumed correctly.

“Yeah,” the elder agrees. “Like a date.” 

The ‘O’ makes a reappearance followed by a deeper shade of red decorating Youngjae’s face. Jaebeom almost coos at him when he nods enthusiastically. “O-okay. Tonight, then. Does seven sound good?”

“Yes, that gives me enough time to clean up the stray cat hair.” Both boys share a lighthearted laugh. The desire to hold him still pulses in Jaebeom’s being, but he can exercise that right later on, preferably during Spirited Away and after he brushes his teeth. 

Coco, who was momentarily forgotten, barks to catch her owner's attention. She turns her tail in Jaebeom’s direction in an act of defiance almost like she’s saying _You’ve taken up too much of my human’s time. I need to get a new dress ASAP._

“I should really get going, Younghyun’s probably on his way to the mall by now,” Youngjae says. He slowly starts to backstep the way he came from. “I’ll see you tonight?”

“Yeah. I’ll see you tonight!” Jaebeom hollars when Youngjae’s a good distance away. They wave goodbye and as the boy walks down the path, he seems to have a hop in his step.

Jaebeom takes a gulp of fresh air, lets the cool breeze flow into his nose, lets it circulate in his lungs, and exhales in one big breath. His insides are no longer tight, the wire has vanished from his throat, leaving behind a new kind of open feeling like a big wooden door has been unlocked and Jaebeom is only now seeing the other side for the first time. He likes his feeling better than the zip of nausea after a long drag. 

He feels free. 

While making his way home, mentally creating a list of ingredients he needs for tonight's dinner, he passes by a garbage can. It’s big and silver with bold letters of TRASH written under the opening. In one swift movement, Jaebeom drops the crushed cigarette in the bin. Flecks of ashes cling to his skin, small grey-black dots that pepper his hand almost like a reminder of the decision he chose to follow back on the bench. 

There’s a slight itch in his throat when he fishes inside his pocket and pulls out his newly opened pack of smokes. He rolls the box in his hand, feels the weight of his life trapped within this package, and deems it too heavy to bear. Jaebeom crushes the box then drops it in the trash can too. 

The itch is still there when Jaebeom walks away, along with the ashes stuck to his hand. He doesn’t mind it though. He knows it’ll be difficult, this new path he’s taking for a better life. Old habits die hard, they say, so Jaebeom should start searching for a new addiction as a substitute. He recalls all his old childhood tendencies and comes up empty as to what can make him feel the way a drag of a cigarette could. But when he thinks back to the moment with Youngjae and how he told him that they have a date tonight, Jaebeom remembers the sensation of pure euphoria at seeing Youngjae smile towards him— _for him._

Yeah. That feeling is way better than any cigarette Jaebeom ever tried. 

Jaebeom tilts his head back to gaze at the vibrant blue, watches the fluffy clouds lazily drift past, and cast shadows across his face. A particularly large cloud roams the heavens, built with strong walls as tall as mountains and large dome-shaped homes for its residents. It floats in the atmosphere and waits for two dreamy eyed-children to soar and discover the shimming gold treasure hiding within its domain. 

The castle is carried away on a gust of wind, lost amongst the white and blue of the atmosphere, and Jaebeom couldn’t help but think:

_It’s a beautiful sky._

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments are always welcomed <3  
> did y'all catch my studio ghibli references? if you did, let me know!  
> also, come bother me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/omgahgase)


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